Saturday, October 24, 2009

I'll be Your Friend

People we knew together hug me and tell me that they know they can't replace you but that they will be my friend now. "Call me, We'll go to lunch. I'll be your friend." I know they mean well. I know they know I am lost. But how do you do that? I don't know how to make friends, I never have. I wish I had developed the social skills that you had Cynthia. I remember being amazed at how you just came bounding up to me in the admissions office that day. No hesitancy, no shyness, no wariness or distrust. Just "HI, what's your name? I'm Cynthia. I'm engaged!" In 5 minutes I knew more about you than I had shared about me with anyone,ever! I watched you over the next 37 years do that over and over again. I was both awe inspired, shocked and at times thought you had lost your mind. I always said you could and would talk to a sign post. I will never forget, during our single days (between husbands), the time we walked in to a waffle house, around 1:00 am; There were no seats left in the place, except one lone bench on the other side of the table from a very homely, unkept, not exactly clean, man. I wanted to leave but NOOOO, you were hungry! And much to my shock and surprise you went up to the man "Do you mind if we share your table? There are no other tables available and we're hungry!" Needless to say, he couldn't say "yes" fast enough! I'm not sure how long I stood with my mouth open and my eyes bulging, in shock, but by the time I sat down, the two of you were already fast into a conversation about his life. I don't remember uttering a word other than to order, I just sat and watched in wonder as you commiserated with this man. In less than 10 minutes you knew his wife had left him, knew about his job loss, his health history and you both had a common distant relative!!!!! I remember asking you when we left 'Are you insane?! You would talk to a sign post!" Your reply was "Well, we needed somewhere to sit and bless his heart! I really felt sorry for him!" Maybe it was your genuine compassion and concern for people, your nurturing nature that drew all people to you. You made friends so easily. I on the other hand was and am more reserved. I find it harder to trust people, especially with my inner soul; You were the first and only friend that I have ever trusted. You were my soul sister. I never saw the need to expand that universe. One friend was all I needed. Sometimes, more than I could handle as life got in our way. I never put much faith in superficial friends or acquaintances, never saw the need. Occasionally, when I was working, I enjoyed lunch or dinner but never desired to attempt the deeper connection of true friendship. I didn't need to, I had you, Cynthia. I should have watched more closely, learned just a little. You could work a room; you could get people to open up and talk and talk and talk, just spill their guts and afterwards each and everyone of them felt like they had a friend. So many people called you friend. Wherever I went, when your name came up faces lit up, smiles broadened, out loud laughs were exchanged. "She is so funny"... "She is the sweetest person"... "She will talk you to death"... "She helped me...". "She delivered my baby, my grandbaby.......". There were certain truths about you everyone knew: you were a talker; you would hold court where ever you were; you would give the shirt off of your back to help someone, anyone; you like to shop; you made friends as easily as you breathed and you were a loyal friend. But those were things that those friends knew. I knew you. I knew what time you got up, how you liked your coffee, what your politics were, what type of books you like to read, your favorite shops, I knew your deepest darkest secrets and fears and hopes, I knew your entire history for the last 37 years and you knew mine. We could finish each others sentences and had ESP feelings when things weren't right. So tell me what am I suppose to do now, Dial a friend?

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