Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I've been dreaming about you again; waking Richard up talking in my sleep. It's been 3 months and I am still finding myself, at times going breathless and wanting to shout, "Oh my God! she's gone! She's really gone!". I listen to the voice mail on my phone, just often enough that it doesn't delete; I don't want to forget the sound of your voice. The weeping is over; I just can't get use to not picking up that phone to share a laugh, a story, a bitch session, everyday life. Time just keeps on moving, life keeps on keeping on and I'm like "Wait, wait... we're missing someone special".
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I heard a comedian today, she talked about southern women and how we had "best friend". Everyone, she said, was our "best friends"; You know, how when you run in to someone and introduce them, "this is my best friend...." It didn't matter how long it had been since you had seen them or how often; they were really just acquaintances; but with southern women - well everybody is our best friend! I laughed out loud! I thought, my God she was following me and Cynthia around for her material! It used to amaze me the number of women you introduced as your "best friend", even to me. And as soon as they were gone, you would turn around and say to me, of course, "you're my best, best friend"! She sounded just like you! She said southern women have many best friends but they only have ONE "Bestest" friend. A "Bestest" friend is the kind that can look you straight in the eye and tell you the truth. One that is there for you through thick and thin. I couldn't have said it better. It's two days before Christmas and soon a New Year will begin without you. It is hard to go forward without my "Bestest" friend. I didn't realize just how important friends were; I should have cultivated more; maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I had. They only come around once in life, I think. You were my bestiest friend and everyone else seems fake. I'm not sure I know how to make new friends, the desire, the trust, or the energy. I miss you terribly my dear, dear "Bestest" friend.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
It's been awhile, I know. Frankly, I've been avoiding talking to you, for many reasons - mad, disappointed, hurt, sick, overwhelmed with my own life and problems, tired, sad, pissed - what did I leave out? It's two weeks before Christmas, so you know how hectic things are. What you don't know is all the things I've been going through with my health. It's been rough and looks like it's gonna be another rough year. The news has not been good. I really miss talking to you about all of this, the treatment plans and such; no one else understood like you. It's lonely here. My youngest is having a hard time with it all. She's sort of mad at me, you know, kinda of like I feel with you. She's afraid that I'm going to get much worse or die, not be there for all of her important events - wedding, children, etc. Especially since their not anywhere in her near future. She's kinda pissed. I get it. I understand it. I feel her pain. I'm kinda pissed too. I'm not so much worried about me not being here, I'm a pretty determined woman, I know how to fight, but am a little worried about my physical ability. I tried to reassure her, "I'll do my best to get better", I'll be there for you." I wish you had been able to be that strong. I'm mad because you simply weren't. You gave in. You couldn't say "no" to anybody and now I am without my friend when I really need her, you're missing your granddaughter and grandson grow up, you're missing the joys of Christmas and dirty martinis because you chose to - how's that working for you? Not working for me. I miss you and I'm pissed that you weren't stronger, that you aren't here.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
It's that time of year again! You know, the time of year you don't have time to breathe between cleaning, shopping, wrapping gifts, decorating the house, baking and entertaining family. Did I say cleaning? It has to be the most exhausting 2 months of the year! My God, how I miss having you to go shopping with me and get our little breaks! So many times, I find myself saying, Cynthia would love that! I will miss our ritual of exchanging our "favorite things" gifts at Christmas. We always put so much thought into those gifts. It always showed just how much we really "heard" each other, through out those long lunches. Some times it was a simple "I really like that...." and next Christmas, there it would be from one of us. Sometimes one of us would discover something and the other just had to have it. Giving gifts like that was fun and meaningful and appreciated. It is hectic, but know that a not a day goes by that I don't think of you.
It's Thanksgiving, well 2 days before and I'm doing my usual last minute running around getting ready for my family get together. It's our favorite time of year, good food and we get to catch up with all our kids. You and I always got together to and moan about all the work involved in pulling it off and how exhausted it left us! But we both loved having our families together. This year will be so different for me. Although I will have my family at my side and I'll get to hear how each of them are doing, see all the grandchildren and how they have grown, enjoy the food, do all the things we do each and every year; I won't get to rehash it all with you. I don't get to brag about the kids and grandkids or share my concerns, if there are any, with you or you with me. This Thanksgiving there will be no after Thanksgiving luncheon powwow at City Range where we compare notes and blessings. No, this Thanksgiving, I get to just experience it, digest it, savor it and truly be thankful for the time I have with my family and all we have to be grateful for in our lives. I'm sorry you're not hear with your family; I know they miss you, as I do. You will be at our table, because I will think of you and everything our friendship has meant to me, along with all the other blessings I have in my life, I will be thankful.
I'm trying to figure out what you would have done if things had been reversed. Here, this week has been tough at home, tensions running high, emotions raw, stupid arguments started and silent days and nights following. You remember those days. How many lunches did we have to discuss crappy days like that? Except you're not here for me to talk to now. Girlfriends are for that very thing - when our husbands just don't get it, can't get, won't get, don't want to get, incapable of getting it, because its not in their genetic makeup! I don't know how to explain this! I don't feel like I should have to! Yet, here I am - feeling guilty for grieving, still. I'm doing the best I can. What the hell?!!!