Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Don't Cry Because It's Over

This was a really tough month for me. It was our birthday month and I think I actually took your absence harder this year than last. So much has happened that I wanted to share with you. The week of your birthday, I lost it and for two weeks I cried. I cried at the most ridiculous things and at the most ridiculous times. I wanted to slap anyone and everyone that remotely acted like they were going to tell me to "get a grip". I felt completely and utterly lost and abandoned. And then..... my husband did the most amazing, sweet and sensitive thing of our lives.
While we were antique shopping, he called me over and told me he was buying something for me and he hoped I would find the message comforting and not cry anymore. He reached for a wooden plaque, on it was painted:

"Don't cry because it's over
Smile because it happened"

He handed it to me and said, "see, don't cry because she's gone, smile because of all the years and times you had with her". I loved him beyond words, in that moment! And then I wanted to call you and tell you how unbelievably romantic and sensitive he had been! It would have been a great martini date! But it did the trick. I've stopped crying for now. Happy Birthday and at Thanksgiving I was very thankful.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Closure My Ass

I use to be a transplant coordinator and as a matter of "policy", in all of my speeches about death and dying, I always said that having time to say good-bye was better than a sudden loss; It gave you time for "closure". What a crock of shit! So for all those many families I may have mislead over the years, my sincerest apology. The truth is, I knew you were gone the minute I looked into your eyes. I knew the machines were doing all the work, you had moved on. Closure would be a shot in the dark. Afterwards, I simply went through the motions and more than a year later, I am feeling the loss more than ever. Processing 37 years takes a long time. What was so frigging hard for you? Closure? I Don't think so. Not Yet.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


It is interesting that there is no definition for girlfriend, other than romantic. The dictionary defines her as: "a regular female companion with whom a person has a romantic or sexual relationship"; "a woman's female friend"; "significant other, main squeeze, girl, woman; fiancée; informal steady; dated lady friend,lady love". And it struck me, a man must have written that definition! Because, men simply don't get the relationship between two women, called "girlfriends".

Many of those adjectives, I would have applied to my girlfriend: "regular female companion", "female friend", "lady friend", and "significant other". Significant in that we shared a long history of growing up, of men and broken romance, college, marriages, literally, given birth to our children. We worked together, lived together through so many phases our life; We could finish each others sentences, shared ESP, just knew when we needed to call. We "got it" when we talked. We listened. We watched each other grow up, make huge mistakes in life choices, held each others hands and smiled through the joys and successes we achieved, we competed (as women do) but we always had each others back. The connection was visceral, not physical. Men are physical and although we may call them our "soul mates", men will never understand what it really means for us to have a "girlfriend".