Monday, December 20, 2010

If Men Only Knew

Oh My God! I would almost go and lie down beside you on the lawn of the cemetery just to talk to you and vent my frustration! I'm sure they might call out the cops and haul me away to the closest loony bin but for the love of God! I need some conversation with another adult that does not take everything as being critical, bitchy, nagging, intimidating or ARRGH! OVER REACTING!!!!!

What is it with the male species that simply prevents them from communicating like..., well like women... like we did! I don't want anything or anyone fixed! I might be complaining, slightly, but only to vent. I just want him to listen. LISTEN!

We were great listeners. We knew when to shut up and when to speak up. We knew how to commiserate and how and when to offer advice. We didn't take things personally. We just took them for each other. We helped each other by simply being there, sharing a drink, an occasional hug or pat, murmurs of "I'm here, I've got your back", or whatever and the best pair of ears in the world. When we were done, our burden, however small or large was lifted or shared. Never judged.

Men have no idea what they are missing or the key that they hold!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Don't Cry Because It's Over

This was a really tough month for me. It was our birthday month and I think I actually took your absence harder this year than last. So much has happened that I wanted to share with you. The week of your birthday, I lost it and for two weeks I cried. I cried at the most ridiculous things and at the most ridiculous times. I wanted to slap anyone and everyone that remotely acted like they were going to tell me to "get a grip". I felt completely and utterly lost and abandoned. And then..... my husband did the most amazing, sweet and sensitive thing of our lives.
While we were antique shopping, he called me over and told me he was buying something for me and he hoped I would find the message comforting and not cry anymore. He reached for a wooden plaque, on it was painted:

"Don't cry because it's over
Smile because it happened"

He handed it to me and said, "see, don't cry because she's gone, smile because of all the years and times you had with her". I loved him beyond words, in that moment! And then I wanted to call you and tell you how unbelievably romantic and sensitive he had been! It would have been a great martini date! But it did the trick. I've stopped crying for now. Happy Birthday and at Thanksgiving I was very thankful.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Closure My Ass

I use to be a transplant coordinator and as a matter of "policy", in all of my speeches about death and dying, I always said that having time to say good-bye was better than a sudden loss; It gave you time for "closure". What a crock of shit! So for all those many families I may have mislead over the years, my sincerest apology. The truth is, I knew you were gone the minute I looked into your eyes. I knew the machines were doing all the work, you had moved on. Closure would be a shot in the dark. Afterwards, I simply went through the motions and more than a year later, I am feeling the loss more than ever. Processing 37 years takes a long time. What was so frigging hard for you? Closure? I Don't think so. Not Yet.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


It is interesting that there is no definition for girlfriend, other than romantic. The dictionary defines her as: "a regular female companion with whom a person has a romantic or sexual relationship"; "a woman's female friend"; "significant other, main squeeze, girl, woman; fiancée; informal steady; dated lady friend,lady love". And it struck me, a man must have written that definition! Because, men simply don't get the relationship between two women, called "girlfriends".

Many of those adjectives, I would have applied to my girlfriend: "regular female companion", "female friend", "lady friend", and "significant other". Significant in that we shared a long history of growing up, of men and broken romance, college, marriages, literally, given birth to our children. We worked together, lived together through so many phases our life; We could finish each others sentences, shared ESP, just knew when we needed to call. We "got it" when we talked. We listened. We watched each other grow up, make huge mistakes in life choices, held each others hands and smiled through the joys and successes we achieved, we competed (as women do) but we always had each others back. The connection was visceral, not physical. Men are physical and although we may call them our "soul mates", men will never understand what it really means for us to have a "girlfriend".

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


I've been absent. I've been away. Not talking but still missing you. I am without access to a computer to, a voice, as it were. I am borrowing, stealing these few moments, to let you know, I haven't forgotten you. I'm absent but I'm still here.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Avoiding You

Hey! I have been avoiding you. It is getting tiresome that you're never here when I need you. Can't call, can't meet you. You're just not there anymore. It doesn't make me stop reaching for the phone or thinking "I need to ask, talk, etc Cynthia". So much in my life is going on. I know you would be surprised, excited and shocked. But we could be having so much fun! Right now, I could really use to talk to you because you have inside information I need, badly. Someone I love is in trouble - the kind you know so well and I need to know how this happens! What can I do to stop it? Anything? And the truth I already know is that I can't stop it. I couldn't with you and I want be able to stop them. I am afraid, very afraid. I won't stop trying though - It's all I can do.

I don't know when we'll talk again. We are moving back home to the house we all loved so much. Lots to do - staying very busy, thankfully. There's so much we could have been doing together - I miss your help and shopping excursions. Boy, you would love this! But I guess this journey, as all I am facing, will have to be alone - you left me.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Not a Day Goes By

I don't I visit often or talk to you like I use to. it is too hard. There is not a day that goes by that you're not in my thoughts, my fingertips itching to pick up the phone to call. Life on every side of me just keeps on moving forward; yet, I keep looking over my shoulder for what was. There has been so much going on, so much drama, so many things that I could talk only to you about. This weekend was especially hard, old wounds were reopened, new lines drawn in the sand and I had no one to call, to talk to. I had no one I trust as I did you. Sometimes I get so angry that it just didn't have to be this way. I need my friend and you're just not there.

I'm going back home, to Ridge Rd; the journey, however will not be smooth sailing, I fear. It is a risk for many reasons but there is no one I can talk to about it. It is what it is, no regrets; let the chips fall where they may.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Our House

It is hard to describe to others the connection, the affinity I have to that house. When we first bought the house in 1992, I said, "I will die in this house". I said, "I will never sell". At the time, I meant it and when the discussion came, some 12 years later, I initially said "No". But like many things in your life, positions change or are negotiated. There were many reasons we sold and by the time we were done, the regret was but a glimmer. I soon put it behind me to focus on the "new house, new neighborhood, new adventures". I was delighted and thrilled with my beautiful "new home" but I never stopped going back to look and remember. I followed the developments on "my house", because that's how I have always felt, like a love sick stalker. Not at first, but as time went on, the drive down the road became a frequent escapade. We talked often of "our house" and we knew soon that in the near future, it would be available again. Like a moth drawn to the flame, we both kept going back. We talked, debated, said "yes, lets do it" to "we made the right decision, leave it alone". Yet, we haven't been able to. Every time I have walked through those doors over the years it has been abandoned, I felt at home. When I saw the condition they had left it, I cried in sorrow that they never saw the gift they had been given and therefore, did not treasure. When I heard another bid had been placed, I cried for fear that I would loose it. I could not envision anyone else living there. I believed it was "our house". I cried hardest, when told, "They've accepted your offer"; Tears of joy and happiness. We close next week. We have a lot of renovation to do. We have to sell our current house but we are going home! I wish you were hear, Cynthia, to celebrate, to shop, to help design, to help share in the excitement and frustration of renovating "our house", a second time. It is going to be a very busy year. I wish you were here; what fun we would have.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

You're with Your Mom Now

You're with your Mom now and I know you're happy about that; I know how much she meant to you. I'm glad you missed the drama of her passing. Although in a very selfish way, I'm angry that she out lasted you. I envy the close relationship you have with your Mom, especially the love. My Mom is starting to deteriorate and get weaker; It won't be long before we will be having to face the same issues and do the same caregiving that you and your sisters were doing and Mom will be a hand full, much more difficult than your Mom. I wish you were here to guide me. Right now, because of our confrontation, awhile back, she doesn't want me to take care of her. So that is going to be interesting and create some strange dynamics with my sisters and brother. I can't believe you're not here to talk to. Each day is a little easier, as you can tell, by my absence; Or maybe it's just harder to keep talking when you don't talk back. Enjoy your Mom, stroll arm in arm through the Heavens, think of me often, and know I miss and love you.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

My Mom Didn't Use That Word!

I started the year off ranting , just a little. Could have been a lot more; there's a lot more material/things going on in this world, mine and the larger, broader "world" to rant about. Things that I know you, my very best friend would appreciate. I know I need to bring it down a notch, after all, we're not even 2 days in to the new year; but I can't help but smile remembering how it would have been had you been hear with me. Oh, the fun we would have had! The ranting we would have done! The F bombs we would have thrown around! The martini's we would have shared! I laugh when I think about that, specifically, because when you were in the hospital, your daughter and I were walking, arm and arm down the hall, and I said, "I can see Cynthia now stomping her feeting, hand on hip, going "Well fuck me!" And your precious daughter got this shocked look on her face and said, I swear to you, "My Mom didn't use that word". I just as shocked, burst out laughing, along with your son, who knew better, and said "What Cynthia did you know?" We all had the biggest laugh and swapped quite a few stories about you over the next few hours, as we waited and waited and waited. Even then, I knew what the end result was going to be; I knew the moment I walked in your room that night; But for a little while, the stories of our rantings provided memories of laughter and something special for the three of us to share. It's not much fun ranting alone. Maybe I'll do something different beginning this year.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy Fucking New Year 2010!

I know that I am suppose to be all a gush with the promise of a new year; a clean slate; a fresh start; a new beginning; A chance to just discard everything bad that I did or has happened this year and like drawing back a curtain, in a dark room, letting in the bright light, WHAM - we get to start over- BRAND NEW. BECAUSE IT'S THE FUCKING NEW YEAR! Just not feeling it. Just don't believe it works that way; I know it doesn't. Sounding pretty cynical aren't I? God, would I love to be having this philosophilical conversation with you over a dirty martini! See everybody around me, especially now, is expecting me to make New Year's resolutions that include the following: 1) I will stop grieving Cynthia 2) I will accept that she is gone 3) I will make new friends (so that I won't miss her) 4)I will let go (this could include a lot of things)........ Now there are many more things I could add, not related to you, the usual: lose weight, exercise, budget better, spend more quality time with my family. Or how about enjoying more honesty and eliminating political correctness from my vocabulary? I kinda of like that one. What I really want to do; what I really want my resolution to be is: stop letting others tell me what I need, What I need to feel, think, say or do; About anything; I will do or not do what I need to when the time is right for me, NOT because the clock has struck 12 and a New Fucking Year has begun.