I have Not Forgotten You

I have not forgotten you. Nor have I stopped writing, at least in my head. I talk to you nearly every day. But it seems that everyone has moved on now and whenever I bring up your name, I am the one that they look at kinda funny. They get a little uncomfortable. I mean, your husband has moved on and remarried, your children are doing great in their lives and that is wonderful and as it should be, or so I am told. "Life is for the living"! So, it has been harder for me to grieve and to justify, writing and spilling my soul to you day in and day out. I've tried to get my husband to read what i've written, just so he might understand, but he want even go near my feelings. So, for what it is worth, I wanted you to know, I haven't forgotten. I am here. I talk. I write in my head. I remember my friend.  

You Don't Find Best Friends on the Store Shelf

I get it that "people" are trying to offer encouragement, trying to say "comforting words" but what the hell? I'm 57 years old. You don't just go to the nearest mall and pick out a new best friend from the shelf! Best friends aren't found on Facebook, God forbid! More than likely, the only people you talk to on Facebook, and still feel safe, is family and close acquaintences. I'm not going to be out searching for my next best friend!! When I'm told "make new friends"; I want to scream! Best friends are not made. They are cultivated over a lifetime, through trials, tribulations and the celebrations of one's life. They grow and change, in sync with each other. After a while you think like each other, can finish each others sentences, have ESP and just know when to call the other, because "you just had a feeling". By the time you've reached my age, most of the drama, crisis and milestones that help form such a strong bond, have come and gone. We're more mellow, we're just relaxing and enjoying the ride. Laughing at ourselves and reliving all those memories that made us who were are. And now I'm suppose to just go find a new one? Play nice and I can have a new best friend! Really? Seriously? I don't have a lifetime left. Pray tell. I wish it were so. It isn't.  

I Hate It When They Say That

      I hate it when someone who only knew you as an acquaintance or socially, says to me "Well, I'm sure that's what she would want". Really? And how, pray tell would they know! They did not know you, other than superficially. They did not know how you thought, felt about yourself, your kids, your career, your marriage, your pain. They have no clue about the deep, soul baring conversations we had nearly every other day for the last 30 plus years! How dare they!
     I know, when I can step back from it, for a moment, that they are only trying to comfort me. They don't know what else to say. So, they use cliches. Well, here's a clue for future reference. Don't say it. It makes my blood boil! It pisses me off! It is not comforting! It's presumptuous and it makes me want to slap the shit out of you. It's better to say nothing.