Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Been A While

It's been awhile, I know. Frankly, I've been avoiding talking to you, for many reasons - mad, disappointed, hurt, sick, overwhelmed with my own life and problems, tired, sad, pissed - what did I leave out? It's two weeks before Christmas, so you know how hectic things are. What you don't know is all the things I've been going through with my health. It's been rough and looks like it's gonna be another rough year. The news has not been good. I really miss talking to you about all of this, the treatment plans and such; no one else understood like you. It's lonely here. My youngest is having a hard time with it all. She's sort of mad at me, you know, kinda of like I feel with you. She's afraid that I'm going to get much worse or die, not be there for all of her important events - wedding, children, etc. Especially since their not anywhere in her near future. She's kinda pissed. I get it. I understand it. I feel her pain. I'm kinda pissed too. I'm not so much worried about me not being here, I'm a pretty determined woman, I know how to fight, but am a little worried about my physical ability. I tried to reassure her, "I'll do my best to get better", I'll be there for you." I wish you had been able to be that strong. I'm mad because you simply weren't. You gave in. You couldn't say "no" to anybody and now I am without my friend when I really need her, you're missing your granddaughter and grandson grow up, you're missing the joys of Christmas and dirty martinis because you chose to - how's that working for you? Not working for me. I miss you and I'm pissed that you weren't stronger, that you aren't here.

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