Time Just Keeps Moving

I've been dreaming about you again; waking Richard up talking in my sleep. It's been 3 months and I am still finding myself, at times going breathless and wanting to shout, "Oh my God! she's gone! She's really gone!". I listen to the voice mail on my phone, just often enough that it doesn't delete; I don't want to forget the sound of your voice. The weeping is over; I just can't get use to not picking up that phone to share a laugh, a story, a bitch session, everyday life. Time just keeps on moving, life keeps on keeping on and I'm like "Wait, wait... we're missing someone special".

Bestest Friends

I heard a comedian today, she talked about southern women and how we had "best friend". Everyone, she said, was our "best friends"; You know, how when you run in to someone and introduce them, "this is my best friend...." It didn't matter how long it had been since you had seen them or how often; they were really just acquaintances; but with southern women - well everybody is our best friend! I laughed out loud! I thought, my God she was following me and Cynthia around for her material! It used to amaze me the number of women you introduced as your "best friend", even to me. And as soon as they were gone, you would turn around and say to me, of course, "you're my best, best friend"! She sounded just like you! She said southern women have many best friends but they only have ONE "Bestest" friend. A "Bestest" friend is the kind that can look you straight in the eye and tell you the truth. One that is there for you through thick and thin. I couldn't have said it better. It's two days before Christmas and soon a New Year will begin without you. It is hard to go forward without my "Bestest" friend. I didn't realize just how important friends were; I should have cultivated more; maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I had. They only come around once in life, I think. You were my bestiest friend and everyone else seems fake. I'm not sure I know how to make new friends, the desire, the trust, or the energy. I miss you terribly my dear, dear "Bestest" friend.

Been A While

It's been awhile, I know. Frankly, I've been avoiding talking to you, for many reasons - mad, disappointed, hurt, sick, overwhelmed with my own life and problems, tired, sad, pissed - what did I leave out? It's two weeks before Christmas, so you know how hectic things are. What you don't know is all the things I've been going through with my health. It's been rough and looks like it's gonna be another rough year. The news has not been good. I really miss talking to you about all of this, the treatment plans and such; no one else understood like you. It's lonely here. My youngest is having a hard time with it all. She's sort of mad at me, you know, kinda of like I feel with you. She's afraid that I'm going to get much worse or die, not be there for all of her important events - wedding, children, etc. Especially since their not anywhere in her near future. She's kinda pissed. I get it. I understand it. I feel her pain. I'm kinda pissed too. I'm not so much worried about me not being here, I'm a pretty determined woman, I know how to fight, but am a little worried about my physical ability. I tried to reassure her, "I'll do my best to get better", I'll be there for you." I wish you had been able to be that strong. I'm mad because you simply weren't. You gave in. You couldn't say "no" to anybody and now I am without my friend when I really need her, you're missing your granddaughter and grandson grow up, you're missing the joys of Christmas and dirty martinis because you chose to - how's that working for you? Not working for me. I miss you and I'm pissed that you weren't stronger, that you aren't here.

Hectic Times

It's that time of year again! You know, the time of year you don't have time to breathe between cleaning, shopping, wrapping gifts, decorating the house, baking and entertaining family. Did I say cleaning? It has to be the most exhausting 2 months of the year! My God, how I miss having you to go shopping with me and get our little breaks! So many times, I find myself saying, Cynthia would love that! I will miss our ritual of exchanging our "favorite things" gifts at Christmas. We always put so much thought into those gifts. It always showed just how much we really "heard" each other, through out those long lunches. Some times it was a simple "I really like that...." and next Christmas, there it would be from one of us. Sometimes one of us would discover something and the other just had to have it. Giving gifts like that was fun and meaningful and appreciated. It is hectic, but know that a not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving, well 2 days before and I'm doing my usual last minute running around getting ready for my family get together. It's our favorite time of year, good food and we get to catch up with all our kids. You and I always got together to and moan about all the work involved in pulling it off and how exhausted it left us! But we both loved having our families together. This year will be so different for me. Although I will have my family at my side and I'll get to hear how each of them are doing, see all the grandchildren and how they have grown, enjoy the food, do all the things we do each and every year; I won't get to rehash it all with you. I don't get to brag about the kids and grandkids or share my concerns, if there are any, with you or you with me. This Thanksgiving there will be no after Thanksgiving luncheon powwow at City Range where we compare notes and blessings. No, this Thanksgiving, I get to just experience it, digest it, savor it and truly be thankful for the time I have with my family and all we have to be grateful for in our lives. I'm sorry you're not hear with your family; I know they miss you, as I do. You will be at our table, because I will think of you and everything our friendship has meant to me, along with all the other blessings I have in my life, I will be thankful.

Not in Their Genetic Makeup

I'm trying to figure out what you would have done if things had been reversed. Here, this week has been tough at home, tensions running high, emotions raw, stupid arguments started and silent days and nights following. You remember those days. How many lunches did we have to discuss crappy days like that? Except you're not here for me to talk to now. Girlfriends are for that very thing - when our husbands just don't get it, can't get, won't get, don't want to get, incapable of getting it, because its not in their genetic makeup! I don't know how to explain this! I don't feel like I should have to! Yet, here I am - feeling guilty for grieving, still. I'm doing the best I can. What the hell?!!!

Shopping Expeditions

Thanksgivings is next week, my birthday too. This is the time of year we spent a lot of time together. Right now we would be out shopping a Twiggs for decorations, your house, not mine. You would be fussing the entire time "Sheila, you need to buy this, that, it's such a good deal...." You always got so pissed at me because you spent all the money, while I 'window shopped". I on the other hand, thought you were crazy for paying the price for the things you bought. It was a dance we repeated over and over, no matter what store we were in. We always had fun with it and laughed a lot. You actually were fun to watch. And of course, I usually got a pretty good birthday gift out of all that shopping too! I'm missing you. I need to go shopping, believe it or not, for decorations! Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations! May be having my book club and their spouses over at Christmas and so I need to do a little more this year. You would be so excited and I can see you now, all the places you would be dragging me and all the people you would getting to help me. I can hear me now telling you "Cynthia, I'm not spending a fortune, don't take me to your expensive shops...." and you saying "I won't... but they'll give you a deal because ....." and hear we would go! It's going to be a boring shopping expedition without you. I wonder if I'll come back with anything?

"I am an Advocate For My Family"

I'm a Nurse, a Wife, a Mother, an Accountant, a Teacher, on and on we describe ourselves when someone ask us "What do you do?". What they mean, of course, is "What is your profession?". We often, particularly, as women, identify ourselves, with our vocation, our profession. It becomes our identity so that when we lose it, either through job loss, disability, like I did, or other reasons, we suffer from an identity crisis. For some, that is never an issue because they know what and who they are. There is no quibbling, no question, no hesitation. They state it with passion, with conviction and in way that those around take notice. So it was with Cynthia. Yes she was a nurse, a damn good one. However, that is not how she identified herself. On one of the multitudes of sympathy cards her family received, a woman who had met Cynthia many years ago at their children's middle school football game, shared she overheard a conversation between Cynthia and some other women on what a stay at home mom should say when ask the question "What do you do?". Cynthia's reply, as relayed in this card, had a profound impact on her and she has never forgotten it. Cynthia replied, emphatically and with great passion,"I am an advocate for my family!". She never wavered in support of her family, often neglecting her own needs. She knew who she was, what she wanted to do and she made no apologies. Her family was her life. What a wonderful legacy! "I am an advocate for my family"! she stated proudly, and so she was.

Things That Made US Laugh: State Boards

I need to stop crying! This is suppose to be about our friendship, not me. I needed this to help me remember you and all the times our lives were filled with laughter and joy because of our friendship. I wanted to walk down memory lane, smile and laugh out loud at the things we did together. Like, our trip to take nursing state boards in your tiny, green volkswagon beetle August 1977. I'll never forget our trip in that car! It had no air conditioning and it was the summer where temperatures soared to 105 degrees that year! I was 8 months pregnant with Jessica, having bracton-hicks contractions and I had a yeast infection! Miserable didn't even begin to describe my condition. We were both stressed completely out about taking boards, so tensions were high. We took our 2 day exam in a school, with no air conditioning, 105 degree temperature outside, sitting in hard ass, school desk chairs, all damn day! I thought I would die or deliver the baby before it was over. My face was blood red, my body and butt hurt and during breaks all you could do was laugh at how bright red my face was. You complained about how horrible the exam was while I whined and begged for God to take me, wallowing on the nearest window sill, for any air, as you laughed. In spite of your laughter, you did seem somewhat concerned about me going into labor! Our trip home was the most miserable trip on the planet! Sitting was so uncomfortable! Seat belts weren't mandatory then and I remember wallowing all over that front seat! Big, fat and 8 months pregnant, blood red in the face, whining, twisting, turning and moaning! I felt and looked like I was going to have a heat stroke! The only thing that kept me sane was our laughter! All I wanted to do was get home but No, you had to stop and get something to eat! As I recall, it was kentucky fried chicken. I remember I wanted to strangle you over that stop! My mind was on home! I whined, you laughed, then I'd laugh, all the way home. It's amazing that we both scored nationals on our boards. The trip, as miserable as it was, always made us laugh when we remembered it. I never see a volkswagon that I don't break out into a smile, remembering. It was our very first trip together.....

It's Been a Hell of A Week

It's been a hell of a week. A scandal with one of our most prominent plastic surgeons in town; A terrorist attack on our own US Army base, killing 12 of our own soldiers, wounding 31; Your birthday; and to top it all off I'm going to have another bronchscopy, because my repeat cat scan came back with no improvement!!!! I have felt like screaming! I've wanted to pick up the phone a thousand times to gossip about the scandal, rave about the imbeciles in Washington and the liberals who have made us a bunch of pussies! I'm so sick of political correctness, I think I'll puke! I've cried for days because you're not here to rant, rave, laugh and cry with! I'm angry as hell that you're in that stupid box! Where, by the way, I can still see you! I was so distraught yesterday at your grave, in the cold and the rain, sitting there beside you, the ground sinking from all the rain; I felt desperate. The ground was cracking around you, and just for a moment, I wanted to start digging, "Get up, get the fuck up"! And today, my doctor hits me with the bronchscopy. We may end up having to do an open lung biopsy, if things don't improve soon. You were my RN advocate, my go to girl. You understood the lingo. Now what? Too much is going on here. I need my friend. I really need my friend.