Our House

It is hard to describe to others the connection, the affinity I have to that house. When we first bought the house in 1992, I said, "I will die in this house". I said, "I will never sell". At the time, I meant it and when the discussion came, some 12 years later, I initially said "No". But like many things in your life, positions change or are negotiated. There were many reasons we sold and by the time we were done, the regret was but a glimmer. I soon put it behind me to focus on the "new house, new neighborhood, new adventures". I was delighted and thrilled with my beautiful "new home" but I never stopped going back to look and remember. I followed the developments on "my house", because that's how I have always felt, like a love sick stalker. Not at first, but as time went on, the drive down the road became a frequent escapade. We talked often of "our house" and we knew soon that in the near future, it would be available again. Like a moth drawn to the flame, we both kept going back. We talked, debated, said "yes, lets do it" to "we made the right decision, leave it alone". Yet, we haven't been able to. Every time I have walked through those doors over the years it has been abandoned, I felt at home. When I saw the condition they had left it, I cried in sorrow that they never saw the gift they had been given and therefore, did not treasure. When I heard another bid had been placed, I cried for fear that I would loose it. I could not envision anyone else living there. I believed it was "our house". I cried hardest, when told, "They've accepted your offer"; Tears of joy and happiness. We close next week. We have a lot of renovation to do. We have to sell our current house but we are going home! I wish you were hear, Cynthia, to celebrate, to shop, to help design, to help share in the excitement and frustration of renovating "our house", a second time. It is going to be a very busy year. I wish you were here; what fun we would have.

You're with Your Mom Now

You're with your Mom now and I know you're happy about that; I know how much she meant to you. I'm glad you missed the drama of her passing. Although in a very selfish way, I'm angry that she out lasted you. I envy the close relationship you have with your Mom, especially the love. My Mom is starting to deteriorate and get weaker; It won't be long before we will be having to face the same issues and do the same caregiving that you and your sisters were doing and Mom will be a hand full, much more difficult than your Mom. I wish you were here to guide me. Right now, because of our confrontation, awhile back, she doesn't want me to take care of her. So that is going to be interesting and create some strange dynamics with my sisters and brother. I can't believe you're not here to talk to. Each day is a little easier, as you can tell, by my absence; Or maybe it's just harder to keep talking when you don't talk back. Enjoy your Mom, stroll arm in arm through the Heavens, think of me often, and know I miss and love you.

My Mom Didn't Use That Word!

I started the year off ranting , just a little. Could have been a lot more; there's a lot more material/things going on in this world, mine and the larger, broader "world" to rant about. Things that I know you, my very best friend would appreciate. I know I need to bring it down a notch, after all, we're not even 2 days in to the new year; but I can't help but smile remembering how it would have been had you been hear with me. Oh, the fun we would have had! The ranting we would have done! The F bombs we would have thrown around! The martini's we would have shared! I laugh when I think about that, specifically, because when you were in the hospital, your daughter and I were walking, arm and arm down the hall, and I said, "I can see Cynthia now stomping her feeting, hand on hip, going "Well fuck me!" And your precious daughter got this shocked look on her face and said, I swear to you, "My Mom didn't use that word". I just as shocked, burst out laughing, along with your son, who knew better, and said "What Cynthia did you know?" We all had the biggest laugh and swapped quite a few stories about you over the next few hours, as we waited and waited and waited. Even then, I knew what the end result was going to be; I knew the moment I walked in your room that night; But for a little while, the stories of our rantings provided memories of laughter and something special for the three of us to share. It's not much fun ranting alone. Maybe I'll do something different beginning this year.

Happy Fucking New Year 2010!

I know that I am suppose to be all a gush with the promise of a new year; a clean slate; a fresh start; a new beginning; A chance to just discard everything bad that I did or has happened this year and like drawing back a curtain, in a dark room, letting in the bright light, WHAM - we get to start over- BRAND NEW. BECAUSE IT'S THE FUCKING NEW YEAR! Just not feeling it. Just don't believe it works that way; I know it doesn't. Sounding pretty cynical aren't I? God, would I love to be having this philosophilical conversation with you over a dirty martini! See everybody around me, especially now, is expecting me to make New Year's resolutions that include the following: 1) I will stop grieving Cynthia 2) I will accept that she is gone 3) I will make new friends (so that I won't miss her) 4)I will let go (this could include a lot of things)........ Now there are many more things I could add, not related to you, the usual: lose weight, exercise, budget better, spend more quality time with my family. Or how about enjoying more honesty and eliminating political correctness from my vocabulary? I kinda of like that one. What I really want to do; what I really want my resolution to be is: stop letting others tell me what I need, What I need to feel, think, say or do; About anything; I will do or not do what I need to when the time is right for me, NOT because the clock has struck 12 and a New Fucking Year has begun.

Time Just Keeps Moving

I've been dreaming about you again; waking Richard up talking in my sleep. It's been 3 months and I am still finding myself, at times going breathless and wanting to shout, "Oh my God! she's gone! She's really gone!". I listen to the voice mail on my phone, just often enough that it doesn't delete; I don't want to forget the sound of your voice. The weeping is over; I just can't get use to not picking up that phone to share a laugh, a story, a bitch session, everyday life. Time just keeps on moving, life keeps on keeping on and I'm like "Wait, wait... we're missing someone special".

Bestest Friends

I heard a comedian today, she talked about southern women and how we had "best friend". Everyone, she said, was our "best friends"; You know, how when you run in to someone and introduce them, "this is my best friend...." It didn't matter how long it had been since you had seen them or how often; they were really just acquaintances; but with southern women - well everybody is our best friend! I laughed out loud! I thought, my God she was following me and Cynthia around for her material! It used to amaze me the number of women you introduced as your "best friend", even to me. And as soon as they were gone, you would turn around and say to me, of course, "you're my best, best friend"! She sounded just like you! She said southern women have many best friends but they only have ONE "Bestest" friend. A "Bestest" friend is the kind that can look you straight in the eye and tell you the truth. One that is there for you through thick and thin. I couldn't have said it better. It's two days before Christmas and soon a New Year will begin without you. It is hard to go forward without my "Bestest" friend. I didn't realize just how important friends were; I should have cultivated more; maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I had. They only come around once in life, I think. You were my bestiest friend and everyone else seems fake. I'm not sure I know how to make new friends, the desire, the trust, or the energy. I miss you terribly my dear, dear "Bestest" friend.

Been A While

It's been awhile, I know. Frankly, I've been avoiding talking to you, for many reasons - mad, disappointed, hurt, sick, overwhelmed with my own life and problems, tired, sad, pissed - what did I leave out? It's two weeks before Christmas, so you know how hectic things are. What you don't know is all the things I've been going through with my health. It's been rough and looks like it's gonna be another rough year. The news has not been good. I really miss talking to you about all of this, the treatment plans and such; no one else understood like you. It's lonely here. My youngest is having a hard time with it all. She's sort of mad at me, you know, kinda of like I feel with you. She's afraid that I'm going to get much worse or die, not be there for all of her important events - wedding, children, etc. Especially since their not anywhere in her near future. She's kinda pissed. I get it. I understand it. I feel her pain. I'm kinda pissed too. I'm not so much worried about me not being here, I'm a pretty determined woman, I know how to fight, but am a little worried about my physical ability. I tried to reassure her, "I'll do my best to get better", I'll be there for you." I wish you had been able to be that strong. I'm mad because you simply weren't. You gave in. You couldn't say "no" to anybody and now I am without my friend when I really need her, you're missing your granddaughter and grandson grow up, you're missing the joys of Christmas and dirty martinis because you chose to - how's that working for you? Not working for me. I miss you and I'm pissed that you weren't stronger, that you aren't here.

Hectic Times

It's that time of year again! You know, the time of year you don't have time to breathe between cleaning, shopping, wrapping gifts, decorating the house, baking and entertaining family. Did I say cleaning? It has to be the most exhausting 2 months of the year! My God, how I miss having you to go shopping with me and get our little breaks! So many times, I find myself saying, Cynthia would love that! I will miss our ritual of exchanging our "favorite things" gifts at Christmas. We always put so much thought into those gifts. It always showed just how much we really "heard" each other, through out those long lunches. Some times it was a simple "I really like that...." and next Christmas, there it would be from one of us. Sometimes one of us would discover something and the other just had to have it. Giving gifts like that was fun and meaningful and appreciated. It is hectic, but know that a not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving, well 2 days before and I'm doing my usual last minute running around getting ready for my family get together. It's our favorite time of year, good food and we get to catch up with all our kids. You and I always got together to and moan about all the work involved in pulling it off and how exhausted it left us! But we both loved having our families together. This year will be so different for me. Although I will have my family at my side and I'll get to hear how each of them are doing, see all the grandchildren and how they have grown, enjoy the food, do all the things we do each and every year; I won't get to rehash it all with you. I don't get to brag about the kids and grandkids or share my concerns, if there are any, with you or you with me. This Thanksgiving there will be no after Thanksgiving luncheon powwow at City Range where we compare notes and blessings. No, this Thanksgiving, I get to just experience it, digest it, savor it and truly be thankful for the time I have with my family and all we have to be grateful for in our lives. I'm sorry you're not hear with your family; I know they miss you, as I do. You will be at our table, because I will think of you and everything our friendship has meant to me, along with all the other blessings I have in my life, I will be thankful.

Not in Their Genetic Makeup

I'm trying to figure out what you would have done if things had been reversed. Here, this week has been tough at home, tensions running high, emotions raw, stupid arguments started and silent days and nights following. You remember those days. How many lunches did we have to discuss crappy days like that? Except you're not here for me to talk to now. Girlfriends are for that very thing - when our husbands just don't get it, can't get, won't get, don't want to get, incapable of getting it, because its not in their genetic makeup! I don't know how to explain this! I don't feel like I should have to! Yet, here I am - feeling guilty for grieving, still. I'm doing the best I can. What the hell?!!!