COW PASTURE CHRONICLES: The Power of Words

COW PASTURE CHRONICLES: The Power of Words: A member of my writing group shared this with me and I want to share it with all of you. I'd seen it before, but it is a reminder for...

COW PASTURE CHRONICLES: Character Development

COW PASTURE CHRONICLES: Character Development: This past week I lead a discussion on LinkedIn. The topic was characters. "Where do your main characters come from?" The most oft...

I have Not Forgotten You

I have not forgotten you. Nor have I stopped writing, at least in my head. I talk to you nearly every day. But it seems that everyone has moved on now and whenever I bring up your name, I am the one that they look at kinda funny. They get a little uncomfortable. I mean, your husband has moved on and remarried, your children are doing great in their lives and that is wonderful and as it should be, or so I am told. "Life is for the living"! So, it has been harder for me to grieve and to justify, writing and spilling my soul to you day in and day out. I've tried to get my husband to read what i've written, just so he might understand, but he want even go near my feelings. So, for what it is worth, I wanted you to know, I haven't forgotten. I am here. I talk. I write in my head. I remember my friend.  

You Don't Find Best Friends on the Store Shelf

I get it that "people" are trying to offer encouragement, trying to say "comforting words" but what the hell? I'm 57 years old. You don't just go to the nearest mall and pick out a new best friend from the shelf! Best friends aren't found on Facebook, God forbid! More than likely, the only people you talk to on Facebook, and still feel safe, is family and close acquaintences. I'm not going to be out searching for my next best friend!! When I'm told "make new friends"; I want to scream! Best friends are not made. They are cultivated over a lifetime, through trials, tribulations and the celebrations of one's life. They grow and change, in sync with each other. After a while you think like each other, can finish each others sentences, have ESP and just know when to call the other, because "you just had a feeling". By the time you've reached my age, most of the drama, crisis and milestones that help form such a strong bond, have come and gone. We're more mellow, we're just relaxing and enjoying the ride. Laughing at ourselves and reliving all those memories that made us who were are. And now I'm suppose to just go find a new one? Play nice and I can have a new best friend! Really? Seriously? I don't have a lifetime left. Pray tell. I wish it were so. It isn't.  

I Hate It When They Say That

      I hate it when someone who only knew you as an acquaintance or socially, says to me "Well, I'm sure that's what she would want". Really? And how, pray tell would they know! They did not know you, other than superficially. They did not know how you thought, felt about yourself, your kids, your career, your marriage, your pain. They have no clue about the deep, soul baring conversations we had nearly every other day for the last 30 plus years! How dare they!
     I know, when I can step back from it, for a moment, that they are only trying to comfort me. They don't know what else to say. So, they use cliches. Well, here's a clue for future reference. Don't say it. It makes my blood boil! It pisses me off! It is not comforting! It's presumptuous and it makes me want to slap the shit out of you. It's better to say nothing.

If Men Only Knew

Oh My God! I would almost go and lie down beside you on the lawn of the cemetery just to talk to you and vent my frustration! I'm sure they might call out the cops and haul me away to the closest loony bin but for the love of God! I need some conversation with another adult that does not take everything as being critical, bitchy, nagging, intimidating or ARRGH! OVER REACTING!!!!!

What is it with the male species that simply prevents them from communicating like..., well like women... like we did! I don't want anything or anyone fixed! I might be complaining, slightly, but only to vent. I just want him to listen. LISTEN!

We were great listeners. We knew when to shut up and when to speak up. We knew how to commiserate and how and when to offer advice. We didn't take things personally. We just took them for each other. We helped each other by simply being there, sharing a drink, an occasional hug or pat, murmurs of "I'm here, I've got your back", or whatever and the best pair of ears in the world. When we were done, our burden, however small or large was lifted or shared. Never judged.

Men have no idea what they are missing or the key that they hold!

Don't Cry Because It's Over

This was a really tough month for me. It was our birthday month and I think I actually took your absence harder this year than last. So much has happened that I wanted to share with you. The week of your birthday, I lost it and for two weeks I cried. I cried at the most ridiculous things and at the most ridiculous times. I wanted to slap anyone and everyone that remotely acted like they were going to tell me to "get a grip". I felt completely and utterly lost and abandoned. And then..... my husband did the most amazing, sweet and sensitive thing of our lives.
While we were antique shopping, he called me over and told me he was buying something for me and he hoped I would find the message comforting and not cry anymore. He reached for a wooden plaque, on it was painted:

"Don't cry because it's over
Smile because it happened"

He handed it to me and said, "see, don't cry because she's gone, smile because of all the years and times you had with her". I loved him beyond words, in that moment! And then I wanted to call you and tell you how unbelievably romantic and sensitive he had been! It would have been a great martini date! But it did the trick. I've stopped crying for now. Happy Birthday and at Thanksgiving I was very thankful.

Closure My Ass

I use to be a transplant coordinator and as a matter of "policy", in all of my speeches about death and dying, I always said that having time to say good-bye was better than a sudden loss; It gave you time for "closure". What a crock of shit! So for all those many families I may have mislead over the years, my sincerest apology. The truth is, I knew you were gone the minute I looked into your eyes. I knew the machines were doing all the work, you had moved on. Closure would be a shot in the dark. Afterwards, I simply went through the motions and more than a year later, I am feeling the loss more than ever. Processing 37 years takes a long time. What was so frigging hard for you? Closure? I Don't think so. Not Yet.

Girlfriends

It is interesting that there is no definition for girlfriend, other than romantic. The dictionary defines her as: "a regular female companion with whom a person has a romantic or sexual relationship"; "a woman's female friend"; "significant other, main squeeze, girl, woman; fiancée; informal steady; dated lady friend,lady love". And it struck me, a man must have written that definition! Because, men simply don't get the relationship between two women, called "girlfriends".

Many of those adjectives, I would have applied to my girlfriend: "regular female companion", "female friend", "lady friend", and "significant other". Significant in that we shared a long history of growing up, of men and broken romance, college, marriages, literally, given birth to our children. We worked together, lived together through so many phases our life; We could finish each others sentences, shared ESP, just knew when we needed to call. We "got it" when we talked. We listened. We watched each other grow up, make huge mistakes in life choices, held each others hands and smiled through the joys and successes we achieved, we competed (as women do) but we always had each others back. The connection was visceral, not physical. Men are physical and although we may call them our "soul mates", men will never understand what it really means for us to have a "girlfriend".

Absent

I've been absent. I've been away. Not talking but still missing you. I am without access to a computer to, a voice, as it were. I am borrowing, stealing these few moments, to let you know, I haven't forgotten you. I'm absent but I'm still here.